your horoscope for today chords by
Weird Al Yankovic
Weird Al Yankovic

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Key: C major
Intro 1
C
C

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Dm
Dm

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Em
Em

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F
F

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Gsus4
Gsus4

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G
G

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C
C

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Am
Am

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G
G

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Verse 1
G
G

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AQUARIUS!
C
C

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Bb
Bb

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There's travel in your future
C
C

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when your tongue freezes
F
F

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C
C

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to the back of a speeding bus
Bb
Bb

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Fill that void in your pathetic
C
C

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life by playing Whack-A-
F
F

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G
G

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C
C

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Mole 17 hours a day
Verse 2
Bb
Bb

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PISCES! Try to avoid
C
C

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any Virgos or Leos
F
F

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C
C

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with the Ebola virus
Bb
Bb

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C
C

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You are the true Lord of the Dance,
no matter what
F
F

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G
G

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those idiots at work say
Verse 3
G
G

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ARIES!
C
C

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Bb
Bb

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The look on your face will be
C
C

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priceless when you find
F
F

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C
C

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that 40-pound watermelon in your colon
Bb
Bb

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C
C

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Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf,
then give a
F
F

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G
G

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hickey to Meryl Streep
Verse 4
C
C

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TAURUS!
Bb
Bb

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You will never find true happiness
C
C

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- what you gonna
F
F

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C
C

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do, cry about it?
F
F

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C
C

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The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up,
do a bunch
G
G

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C
C

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of stuff and then go back to sleep
Verse 5
Dm
Dm

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That's your horoscope
Em
Em

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F
F

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C
C

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for today
Gsus4
Gsus4

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That's your horo scope
G
G

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C
C

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Am
Am

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G
G

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C
C

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for today
Dm
Dm

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That's your horoscope for
Em
Em

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F
F

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C
C

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Gsus4
Gsus4

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today
G
G

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That's your horoscope for
today
C
C

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Verse 6
Am
Am

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G
G

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GEMINI!
C
C

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Bb
Bb

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Your birthday party will be
C
C

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ruined once again by your
F
F

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explosive flatulence
C
C

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Bb
Bb

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Your love life will run into
C
C

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trouble your fiance
F
F

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G
G

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hurls a javelin through your chest
Verse 7
G
G

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CANCER!
C
C

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Bb
Bb

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The position of Jupiter says
C
C

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that you should spend the
F
F

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C
C

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F
F

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C
C

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rest of the week face down in the mud
Bb
Bb

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C
C

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Try not to shove a roll of duct
tape up your nose while
F
F

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G
G

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taking your driver's test
Verse 8
G
G

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LEO!
C
C

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Bb
Bb

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F
F

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Bb
Bb

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Now is not a good time to
C
C

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photocopy your butt and
F
F

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C
C

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staple it to your boss's face, oh no
Bb
Bb

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Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding,
C
C

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pudding, then wash it
F
F

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down with a gallon of
G
G

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C
C

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strawberry Quik
Verse 9
Bb
Bb

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VIRGO!
C
C

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All Virgos are extremely friendly
F
F

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and intelligent -
C
C

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except for you
Bb
Bb

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Expect a big surprise today
C
C

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when you wind up with
G
G

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C
C

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your head impaled upon a stick
Verse 10
Dm
Dm

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That's your horoscope for
Em
Em

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F
F

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C
C

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Gsus4
Gsus4

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today
G
G

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That's your horoscope for
C
C

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Am
Am

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G
G

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C
C

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today
Dm
Dm

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That's your horoscope for
Em
Em

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F
F

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C
C

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Gsus4
Gsus4

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today
That's your horoscope
G
G

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for today
C
C

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Am
Am

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G
G

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Verse 11
F
F

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Now you may find it incon
G
G

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Em
Em

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ceivable or at the very least
F
F

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a bit unlikely that the relative
position of the planets
and the stars could have a spe
G
G

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cial deep significance or
C
C

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meaning that exclusively ap
Am
Am

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G
G

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plies to only you, but let
F
F

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me give you my assurance that
G
G

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these forecasts and
Em
Em

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predictions are all based on solid,
F
F

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scientific, documented
evidence, so you would have
to be some kind of
G
G

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C
C

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moron not to realize that every
single one of them is
Am
Am

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absolutely true.
G
G

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Where was I?
Verse 12
C
C

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LIBRA!
Bb
Bb

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A big promotion is just around
C
C

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the corner for someone
F
F

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C
C

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much more talented than you
Bb
Bb

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Laughter is the very best medicine,
C
C

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remember that
F
F

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when your appendix burst
G
G

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s next week
Verse 13
C
C

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SCORPIO!
Bb
Bb

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Get ready for an unexpected
C
C

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trip when you fall
F
F

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C
C

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screaming from an open window
Bb
Bb

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Work a little bit harder on improving your
C
C

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F
F

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G
G

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low self esteem, you stupid freak
Verse 14
G
G

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C
C

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SAGITTARIUS!
Bb
Bb

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All your friends are laughing
C
C

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F
F

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behind your back...
C
C

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kill them
Bb
Bb

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Take down all those naked
C
C

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pictures of Ernest Borgnine
F
F

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G
G

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you've got hanging in
Verse 15
your den
C
C

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CAPRICORN!
Bb
Bb

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The stars say that you're an
C
C

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exciting and wonderful
F
F

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C
C

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person... but you know they're lying
Bb
Bb

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If I were you, I'd lock my doors
C
C

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and windows and never
never never never never leave
my house again
Verse 16
Dm
Dm

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Em
Em

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F
F

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Gsus4
Gsus4

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That's your
G
G

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C
C

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Am
Am

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G
G

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horoscope for today
C
C

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Dm
Dm

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That's your horoscope
Em
Em

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F
F

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C
C

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for today
Gsus4
Gsus4

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C
C

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Gsus4
Gsus4

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G
G

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C
C

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Am
Am

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G
G

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C
C

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That's your
Dm
Dm

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horoscope
Em
Em

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F
F

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Gsus4
Gsus4

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for today
G
G

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C
C

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Am
Am

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G
G

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C
C

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Dm
Dm

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That's your horoscope for
Outro 1
today
Em
Em

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F
F

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Gsus4
Gsus4

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G
G

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C
C

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