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your horoscope for today chords by
Weird Al Yankovic
Weird Al Yankovic

N/A
Intro 1
C
Dm
Em

F
Gsus4
G

C
Am
G

Verse 1
G

AQUARIUS!
C
Bb

There's travel in your future
C

when your tongue freezes
F
C

to the back of a speeding bus
Bb

Fill that void in your pathetic
C

life by playing Whack-A-
F
G
C

Mole 17 hours a day
Verse 2
Bb

PISCES! Try to avoid
C

any Virgos or Leos
F
C

with the Ebola virus
Bb
C

You are the true Lord of the Dance,

no matter what
F
G

those idiots at work say
Verse 3
G

ARIES!
C
Bb

The look on your face will be
C

priceless when you find
F
C

that 40-pound watermelon in your colon
Bb
C

Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf,

then give a
F
G

hickey to Meryl Streep
Verse 4
C

TAURUS!
Bb

You will never find true happiness
C

- what you gonna
F
C

do, cry about it?
F
C

The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up,

do a bunch
G
C

of stuff and then go back to sleep
Verse 5
Dm

That's your horoscope
Em
F
C

for today
Gsus4

That's your horo scope
G
C
Am
G
C

for today
Dm

That's your horoscope for
Em
F
C
Gsus4

today
G

That's your horoscope for

today
C
Verse 6
Am
G


GEMINI!
C
Bb

Your birthday party will be
C

ruined once again by your
F

explosive flatulence
C
Bb

Your love life will run into
C

trouble your fiance
F
G

hurls a javelin through your chest
Verse 7
G

CANCER!
C
Bb

The position of Jupiter says
C

that you should spend the
F
C
F
C

rest of the week face down in the mud
Bb
C

Try not to shove a roll of duct

tape up your nose while
F
G

taking your driver's test
Verse 8
G

LEO!
C
Bb
F
Bb

Now is not a good time to
C

photocopy your butt and
F
C

staple it to your boss's face, oh no
Bb

Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding,
C

pudding, then wash it
F

down with a gallon of
G
C

strawberry Quik
Verse 9
Bb

VIRGO!
C

All Virgos are extremely friendly
F

and intelligent -
C

except for you
Bb

Expect a big surprise today
C

when you wind up with
G
C

your head impaled upon a stick
Verse 10
Dm

That's your horoscope for
Em
F
C
Gsus4

today
G

That's your horoscope for
C
Am
G
C

today
Dm

That's your horoscope for
Em
F
C
Gsus4

today

That's your horoscope
G

for today
C
Am
G

Verse 11
F

Now you may find it incon
G
Em

ceivable or at the very least
F

a bit unlikely that the relative

position of the planets

and the stars could have a spe
G

cial deep significance or
C

meaning that exclusively ap
Am
G

plies to only you, but let
F

me give you my assurance that
G

these forecasts and
Em

predictions are all based on solid,
F

scientific, documented

evidence, so you would have

to be some kind of
G
C

moron not to realize that every

single one of them is
Am

absolutely true.
G

Where was I?
Verse 12
C

LIBRA!
Bb

A big promotion is just around
C

the corner for someone
F
C

much more talented than you
Bb

Laughter is the very best medicine,
C

remember that
F

when your appendix burst
G

s next week
Verse 13
C

SCORPIO!
Bb

Get ready for an unexpected
C

trip when you fall
F
C

screaming from an open window
Bb

Work a little bit harder on improving your
C
F
G

low self esteem, you stupid freak
Verse 14
G
C

SAGITTARIUS!
Bb

All your friends are laughing
C
F

behind your back...
C

kill them
Bb

Take down all those naked
C

pictures of Ernest Borgnine
F
G

you've got hanging in
Verse 15

your den
C

CAPRICORN!
Bb

The stars say that you're an
C

exciting and wonderful
F
C

person... but you know they're lying
Bb

If I were you, I'd lock my doors
C

and windows and never

never never never never leave

my house again
Verse 16
Dm
Em
F
Gsus4

That's your
G
C
Am
G

horoscope for today
C

Dm

That's your horoscope
Em
F
C

for today
Gsus4
C
Gsus4
G
C
Am
G
C

That's your
Dm

horoscope
Em
F
Gsus4

for today
G
C
Am
G
C

Dm

That's your horoscope for
Outro 1

today
Em
F
Gsus4
G

C

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Chords
  • C

  • Dm

  • Em

  • F

  • Gsus4

  • G

  • Am

  • Bb

Capo: 0

Transpose: 0

0

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