Alice's Restaurant Massacree Tab by Arlo Guthrie

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This song is called "Alice's Restaurant"

It's about Alice

and the restaurant

But "Alice's Restaurant" is not

the name of the restaurant,

that's just the name of this song

That's why I call the song "Alice's Restaurant"

You can get anything you want

at Alice's Restaurant

You can get anything you want

at Alice's restaurant

Walk right in, it's around the back

Just a half a mile from the railroad track

And you can get anything you want

at Alice's restaurant

Now it all started two Thanksgivings ago,

was on two years ago on Thanksgiving

When my friend and I went up

to visit Alice at the restaurant

But Alice doesn't live in the restaurant

She lives in the church

nearby the restaurant, in the bell tower

With her husband Ray and Facha, the dog

And livin' in the bell tower like that,

they got a lot of room downstairs

where the pews used to be

And

havin' all that room,

seein' as how they took out all the pews

they decided that they didn't

have to take out their garbage

for a long time

We got up there,

we found all the garbage in there

and we decide that it'd be a

friendly gesture for us

to take the garbage down to the city dump

So we took the half-a-ton of garbage,

put it in the back of a red VW Microbus,

took shovels and rakes

and implements of destructon

And headed on toward the city dump

Well, we got there and there's a big sign

and a chain across the dump

Sayin: "Closed on Thanksgiving"

and we had never heard of a dump

closed on Thanksgiving before

And with tears in our eyes we drove off

into the sunset lookin' for another place

to put the garbage

We didn't find one

Till we came to a side

road and off the side of the side road

was another fifteen- foot cliff

And at the bottom of the cliff

was another pile of garbage

And we decided that one big pile was better

than two little piles

And rather than bring that one up,

we decided to throw ours down

That's what we did

Drove back to the church,

had a Thanksgiving dinner

that couldn't be beat

Went to sleep, and didn't get up

until the next morning

When we got

a phone call from Officer Obie

He said, "Kid,

we found your name on a envelope

at the bottom of a half a ton of garbage

Just wanted to know

if you had any information about it"

And I said, "Yes sir, Officer Obie,

I cannot tell a lie

I put that envelope under that garbage"

After speakin' to to Obie

for about forty-five minutes on the telephone

We finally arrived at the truth of the matter

And he said that we had to go down

and pick up the garbage

And also had to go down

and speak to him at the Police Officer Station

So we got in the red VW microbus

With the shovels and rakes

and implements of destruction

And headed on

toward the Police Officer Station

Now, friends, there was only

one or two things that Obie could've

done at the Police Station

And the first was that he could've

give us a medal for bein' so

brave and honest on the telephone

Which wasn't very likely,

and we didn't expect it

And and the other thing was

that he could've bawled us out

And told us never to be seen

drivin' garbage around the vicinity again

Which is what we expected

But when we got to the Police Officer Station,

there was a third possibility

That we hadn't even counted upon,

and we was both

immediately arrested, handcuffed

And I said, "Obie, I

don't think I can pick up the gar bage

with these handcuffs on"

He said "shut up kid,

get in the back of the patrol car"

And that's what we did,

and sat in the back of the patrol car,

and drove to the

quote, scene of the crime, unquote

I want to tell you 'bout the town of

Stockbridge, Massachusetts,

where this is happenin'

Here they got three stop signs,

two police officers, and one police car

But when we got to the scene of the crime,

there was five police officers

and three police cars

Bein' the biggest crime of the last fifty years

and everybody wanted to get in

the newspaper story about it

And they was usin' up all kinds of

cop equipment that they had

hangin' around the Police Officer Station

They was takin' plaster tire tracks,

footprints dog- smellin' prints

And they took twenty-seven

8 x 10 colored glossy photographs

with circles and arrows and a paragraph

on the back

Of each one explainin' what each one was,

to be used as evidence against us

Took pictures of the approach,

the getaway, the northwest corner,

the southwest corner

And that's not to mention

the aerial photography

After the ordeal we

went back to the jail

Obie said he was gonna put us in a cell

He said "kid, I'm gonna put you in a cell

I want your wal let and your belt"

And I said, "Obie, I can understand

your wantin' my wallet,

so I don't have any money to spend in the cell

But what do you want my belt for?"

And he said "Kid,

we don't want any hangin's"

I said, "Obie, did you think I was gonna

hang myself for litterin'?" Obie said he

was makin' sure, and, friends, Obie was

'Cause he took out the toilet seat

so I couldn't hit myself

over the head and drown

And he took out the toilet paper

so I couldn't bend the bars

Roll out, to roll the toilet paper out the window,

slide down the roll and have an escape

Obie was makin' sure and it was

about four or five hours later that Alice

Remember Alice? it's a song 'bout Alice

Alice

came by and, with a

few nasty words to Obie on the side

Bailed us out of jail,

and we went back to the church,

had another Thanksgiving dinner

that couldn't be beat

And didn't get up until the next morning

When we all had to go to court

We walked in, sat down, Obie came in

With the twenty-seven 8 by 10

colored glossy pictures

with the circles and arrows

And a paragraph on the back each one,

sat down

Man came in, said, "All rise!"

We all stood up, and Obie stood up

with the twenty- seven 8 by 10

colored glossy pictures,

and the judge walked in, sat down

With a seein' eye dog and he sat down

We sat down

Obie looked at the seein' eye dog

then at the twenty-seven 8 x 10

colored glossy pictures with the circles

and arrows and a paragraph on the back

each one

And looked at the seein' eye dog

And then at the twenty- seven

8 x 10 colored glossy pictures

with the circles and arrows

And a paragraph on the back each one

and began to cry

'Cause Obie came to the realization that

it was a typical case of American blind justice

And there was nothin' he could do about it,

and the judge wasn't gonna look at

the twenty-seven 8 by 10

colored glossy pictures

with the circles and arrows and

a paragraph on the back each one

Explainin' what each one was,

to be used as evi dence against us

And we was fined fifty dollars

and had to pick up the garbage in the snow

But that's not what I came

to tell you about

Came to talk about the draft

They got a buildin' down New York City

's called Whitehall Street, where you walk in,

you get injected, in spected,

detected, infected, neglected and selected

I went down and got my physical

examination one day,

and I walked in, sat down

Got good and drunk the night before,

so I looked and felt my best

when I went in that morning

'Cause I

wanted to look like the All-American

kid from New York City

Man, I wanted, I wanted to

feel like all, I wanted

to be the All-American kid from New York

And I walked in, sat down, I was hung down,

brung down, hung up

and all kinds of mean, nasty, ugly things

And I walked in, I sat down,

they gave me a piece of paper said,

"Kid, see the psychiatrist, room 604", and

I went up there, I said,

"Shrink, I wanna kill,

I wanna, I wanna kill

Kill, I want, I wanna see,

I wanna see blood and gore and guts

and veins in my teeth

Eat dead, burnt bodies

I mean kill, kill! Kill! Kill!"

And I started jumpin' up and

down, yellin' "Kill, kill!"

And he started jumpin' up and down with me,

and we was both jumpin' up and down,

yellin' "Kill! Kill!" and the sergeant

came over, pinned a medal on me

Sent me down the hall, said "You're our boy"

Didn't feel too good about it