Roasts Remembered chords by Lisa Lampanelli

SimplifiedG · C · F · Gm · Bb …

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Verse 1
G 
But I'm a nice person. I am.
C 
And that's why I know you laugh,
because you've seen
G 
me on those roasts on TV,
F 
and that's what I do.
Gm 
That's my type of com edy.
G 
Oh, my God.
By the way, did anyone happen to see
the last train wreck
Bb 
of an individual re -roasted?
G 
That freaking David Hasselhoff?
Oh, my God.
Gm 
F 
C 
First of all, David Hasselhoff is the perfect guy to roast,
G 
because there's so much
D 
wrong with him.
G 
Though seriously,
he thinks he's a big shot
because he's a big
C 
singing sensation in Germany.
G 
F 
Yeah, that's a lot to be
G 
proud of.
Germans have always
been known
F 
for their sound judg
G 
ment, right Jew?
And also, listen to this.
How overly sensitive.
We love roast
because you can say whatever you want.
But that dirty queen Perez Hilton,
G 
she said I went too far.
Get this, all I had said was David
Hasselhoff is a drunk.
His liver is so black and bloated,
it could have starred in Precious.
See, that's a terrific joke.
And while I'm at it, black
people, I love you,
F 
G 
but may I vent about Precious?
First of all, she should call herself spacious,
because she's as big as a three
-bedroom apartment.
Second of all, she gets nominated
C 
for an Oscar for crying.
G 
She wasn't acting
when she was crying.
They just took away her 30
-piece Chicken McNuggets.
Hey, if I want to see a fat black girl cry,
I'll go to Planned Parenthood.
Wait, I'm sorry about that.
That was really inappropriate.
I'm all about love and light.
F 
It's just, you know, I'm just gonna
G 
hurt.
Black people,
there are no chubby white bitches
getting nominated for Oscars.
Am 
I think I should be the next woman nominated
F 
G 
for the chubby white bitch Oscar this year.
C 
In fact, please vote for my movie.
F 
It's coming out soon.
G 
It's called Kenkle.
F 
G 
Actually, now that I think about it,
you bastard,
I thought of a fantastic fat
white bitch movie.
C 
Kirstie Alley could play a serial killer
G 
Am 
who tracks down and kills all
G 
the women who lost weight
and kept it off on Jenny Craig.
F 
C 
In the big closing scene
F 
G 
she could smother Valerie Bertinelli with her gunt. Old guy,
C 
do you know what a gunt is?
G 
It's sort of a gut and a cunt
F 
G 
sort of melded into  one sort
of like a pussy pillow
is what we call it on
the tonight show to be clean
F 
they can call the movie
G 
the gunt for red October you people get me that's what I like man you
ever notice too though whenever we do those roasts
C 
F 
G 
everybody  in the place is freaking ugly
first of all let's talk about that little he be
Jew bastard Jeffrey Ross yeah oh my god
he's ugly that guy masturbate so much
the pages of his Facebook
are stuck together.
Then, oh my god, when we roas
F 
Am 
ted William Shatner,
G 
the roast master was that tubby little
bastard George Kerstanzer.
G 
He's so fat and hairy
he could be a stunt double
for Carney Wilson's cunt.
F 
Hey, and I hate to be bringing this up
G 
be cause I'm a lovely person.
F 
But you know what?
What the hell happened to that Maureen
McCormick?
Remember, Jew,
G 
when she was so cute as
a Marsha Brady?
Who'd have thought 30 years later,
Alice would be the fuckable one?