It was during my 2nd senior year
when Mom found Jesus Christ. His
spirit was trapped inside an old
manischevitz bottle that Mom picked
out of the dumpster behind the 7-11. Mom
brought the bottle inside and
sat it down on top of the TV. Then she
told all of us kids to gather
round, and then she explained how Jesus lived in the bottle,
and how,
if she wanted to,
she could call him out to do her bidding. Sis said it
reminded her of an old TV show,
and Mom slapped her and called her a
heretic. I didn't say anything,
cause I just still remember the time
outside the Safeway, when it took 4 security
guards to hold Mom down.
It wasn't long before people from
all over the world started coming to
our house to see the bottle. At first
I thought that this would make me
more popular at school. Instead it
seemed to have the opposite result.
Kids would stop and point at me in the hallway
and say, "There's the boy
whose mother keeps our savior cooped
up in that tiny little bottle." And
then everybody started calling me 'Bottle
boy'. And that really hurt. It
was also around this time that Mom began
to attract some really weird
followers. Like that guy who never
used deodorant and spoke only in
riddles. And that woman who collected
19th century hand made Amish
swimwear.
Jesus loves me, yes I know
For the Bible tells me so
When I'm weak he makes me strong
That's why I sing this song
If I die before I wake
Pray to him my soul don't take
Jesus loves me, yes I know
Mommy
As the year went on, things went from bad to worse,
and I realized that
if there wasn't a big change pretty soon,
I'd never be able to get a
date for the prom. I couldn't go the
year before because Mom belonged
to a church that considered dancing
a one way ticket to Hell. But
that's a whole nother story. Anyway,
by this point Mom had appeared on
the Richard Bey Show,
A.M. Philadelphia and Geraldo, so there was
no use in me changing schools,
since everybody knew who my Mom was.
Also we had to spend all the money
from Mom's personal appearances to
hire a bodyguard, since by this point
we were getting about 400 death
threats a day.
Jesus loves me, yes I know
For the Bible tells me so
When I'm weak he makes me strong
That's why I sing this song
If I die before I wake
Pray to him my soul don't take
Jesus loves me, yes I know
Then one night, I just couldn't stand
it any more. While everyone else
was sleeping I crept downstairs.
Slowly I went up to the bottle and
began to unfasten the lid. At first,
nothing happened. But then the room
filled with a thick white smoke. I was
glad my sister had taken the
batteries out of the smoke detector to
put into her Walkman. When the
smoke cleared, I found myself face to face with the son of God,
who was
much shorter than I had expected.
He told me that since I'd freed Him,
He'd grant me one wish. And that's how
I got to go to the prom with
Geena Davis. But you probably already
read about that in People.
Jesus loves me, yes I know
For the Bible tells me so
When I'm weak he makes me strong
That's why I sing this song
If I die before I wake
Pray to him my soul don't take
Jesus loves me, yes I know
Dead Milkmen 
