Consumption chords by Bill Horwitz
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Verse 1
(A minor) (D minor) (C major) I (A minor) think back to 2009
when a foundation (C major) gave (D minor) Bristol Palin,
the (C major) pu gilistic (A minor) daughter of Sarah Palin,
about a quarter million dollars
to (D minor) discuss the dangers (C major) of doing what she did,
(A minor) that is, getting pregnant out of wedlock,
which res (C major) ulted in a great (D minor) profit
for that which she (C major) warns against.
I'm (A minor) won dering if maybe I
could get a (C major) little cut of that action
(D minor) if I go to high (C major) schools around the country
and (A minor) warn the kids about the dangers of
premarit (D minor) al donut consumption.
(C major) Let me (A minor) set the scene.
The kids are (C major) packed into
the aud (D minor) itorium
with a wide (C major) aisle down the middle.
(A minor) They gasp in horror
as a forklift enters the (D minor) gym,
carrying my corpulent (C major) ass
on a (A minor) shipping pallet.
The forklift beep (C major) s as it roll (D minor) s,
and the children aver (C major) t their eyes
from this horrible sight.
(A minor) We reach the (C major) stage
where (D minor) sev eral strong men
remove (C major) the pallet from the forklift (A minor) an
d swivel me to face the kiddies.
(D minor) I'm wearing a (C major) filthy sleeveless t -shirt.
(A minor) It's impossible to tell whether or not
I'm wearing pants
(D minor) as my gut over (C major) laps my waist
and dangles (A minor) to the sides and back.
Oh, and (D minor) I'm wearing
mismatched (C major) socks.
I mean, (A minor) who can see his
feet, right? Not me.
(C major) There's (D minor) a box of donuts
on (C major) my lap
and I eat during the entire presentation, (A minor)
(C major) spitting donut chunks
into the first (D minor) and second row
(C major) while showing a PowerPoint (A minor) presentation
of diseased hearts,
clogged (D minor) arteries,
windpipes clogged with barely
(C major) chewed (A minor) food,
and other gross and graphic (C major) autopsy (D minor) pho
tos of death from (C major) morbid obesity.
We (A minor) fin ish with a picture of Fat (C major) Oprah,
then (D minor) Thin Oprah,
followed (C major) by Fat Oprah,
then Thin Oprah (A minor) again,
posing with all the fat they sucked
(C major) out of her (D minor) body,
and then Fat (C major) Oprah again.
(A minor) I speak of the need (C major) to avoid (D minor) these (C major) sweet,
(D minor) tasty treats
until one is lawfully (A minor) wed
to member of the opposite sex.
Well, the word (C major) on the street
is that gay (D minor) guys actually eat donuts (F major) off of each (D minor) other's... (A minor) well,
that's what they say
in the (C major) fourth grade locker rooms anyway.
(D minor) Now, during (C major) the presentation, I eat,
(A minor) I fart odiously, (C major) nois (D minor) ily,
and copiously,
and perhaps (C major) I may vomit into a bucket.
(A minor) I'll save that for when it (C major) looks like
I'm losing their attention.
(D minor) When I'm (C major) finished,
I mop my (A minor) sweaty brow.
Two stagehands (C major) with high
-pres (D minor) sure hoses
wash the (C major) donut chunks,
jimmies, (A minor) glaze,
(C major) and frosting (A minor) from my body.
(D minor) Then my huge, (C major) dripping wet body,
the filthy (A minor) t -shirt clinging
to my every (C major) curve (D minor) and fold,
is (C major) placed back onto the forklift.
(A minor) I'm lowered back to the floor
and the forklift backs out of (D minor) the gym,
(A minor) pas (C major) t the terrified,
changed (A minor) forever children,
out to the front of (D minor) the school where I am loaded
into the (C major) back of a semi -trailer truck.
(A minor) Then volunteers pass (C major) among the children
and (D minor) have them (C major) sign pledges
to abstain from dough (A minor) nuts until
they're married.
Don't be hasty.
(D minor) Wait for (C major) the pastry.
That'll be our (A minor) motto.
And it would (C major) work.
And if having an (D minor) unwed mother
like (C major) Bristol Phelan,
who has profited mightily from her
unwed motherhood,
speak against unwed (D minor) motherhood,
(C major) is worth (D minor) a (C major) quarter of a million dollars,
I (A minor) should be able to ask (C major) for at
least a million dollars.
If (D minor) they provide the donuts,
(C major) we can negotiate on the salary. (A minor)
Outro 1
(D minor) (C major)
(A minor) (C major) (D minor) (C major)
Consumption
Bill Horwitz
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