Put Your Dick Away chords by Bridget Everett
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Verse 1
Ladies and (D major) gentlemen,
my name is Bridget Everett.
Some of you may (E major) not know me,
but you're not gonna fuckin' forget me. (F sharp minor)
(A minor) Let me just clear up
a couple quick things.
(F sharp minor) Bridget, you (D major) wearin' a bra?
Nope, don't need one.
Nex (A minor) t question.
What the fuck (D major) is about to happen?
(E major) What the fuck is about to happen?
Why'd they save the one
(F sharp minor) and only woman till last?
You'll see.
What's your name?
Shut up, nobody cares.
Nice to see ya.
(D major) So ladies, how we gonna handle
this war on pussy?
(E major) You got people there,
they're our allies, right?
There's (F sharp minor) these fucking MIT
motherfuckers.
They're wearing turtlenecks
in the summertime.
They got a whole big fucking,
they got (A minor) a lot of fucking,
they (D major) know a lot of words.
They made some (D minor) nail polish, right?
(E major) And they said, ladies, here,
bring the track down for a (F sharp minor) second.
Just bring it down for a second.
They made us up some nail polish
and we can put it on our fingers
(D major) an d we can wear it to the club
and we can dip (D minor) our fingers in the glass.
And if (E major) our nails change colors,
then we know we've been dosed
with a rape (F sharp minor) drug.
How about this?
Don't touch my pussy unless I say
you can touch my pussy, (D major) Mr. Cosby.
Hit the track (D minor) ! (E major) (E minor) (A minor)
This is a love song,
and I want to dedicate it
to my new best friend over there.
What's your name? (D major) (A minor)
When your lady is tired,
her patience has expired
She needs to get off her feet
Draw your lady up some bubbles.
Don't you start any trouble
let your lady have her retreats
When you're (D minor) at your mama's house
to see your lady's blouse.
She's standing there in the wind
An (G major) d you stand (A minor) at those titties
like they're two fluffy kitties
and your mind fills up with
sin (D minor) put (D major) your (A minor) dick (D major)
Put your dick
Come (D minor) be down the stairs,
put your dick away.
(A minor) Thank you so much.
Put your dick away.
Yeah, gentlemen, thank you.
Put your dick, (D major) put your dick, (D minor)
put your dick away. (A minor) (G major) (A minor)
It's Christmas morning,
and your old lady's snoring
in her white cotton underpants.
(D major) The baby's (A minor) asleep,
and there ain't nobody creeping
but you take a walk with your hands
but the (D minor) mother of these (D major) ba bies
hasn't (D minor) slept since the eighties
gotta let your lady rest
(E minor) cuz (G major) (A minor) if you start the stroking
when your (D major) lady don't want poking
there's gonna be some (A minor) real distress
so (D minor) put your (D major) dick
put your dick (D minor) you sick fuck
put your dick away (A minor)
Push your dick away.
Here we go, Montreal! (D major) (D minor)
I know you'll (A minor) sing it, you sick bitch.
What's your name? Derek.
Okay, Derek,
you ever been with a big girl (A minor) be fore?
No, but I've seen your show,
and I've been thinking about it
since the last time.
God bless Montreal! (A minor)
This is the family of four over here.
Did you all come here together?
Is this your dad?
Hi, what's your name?
Steven, wait, what's your name? Steven.
How old are you, Steven?
I'm fine, thank you.
No, how old are you?
Oh, um, (A minor) 17. (D minor) (A minor)
Quick (D major) question. (A minor)
Is that illegal in Canada?
No, no, no.
Not really? (D major) Okay. (A minor) (D major)
When (A minor) I come home at the end of the day
My fingers are down to the bone
My back is aching,
don't there be no mistaking
I'm gonna call my girl on the phone
Then I'll (D minor) pour a (D major) glass of wine,
I'm gonna take (D minor) my time,
I'm gonna get my shit relaxed
And when I (A minor) say it's fucking time,
you're gonna lick my valentine
Don't forget the crack,
so (D major) put your (A minor) dick (D major)
Put your dick (D minor)
Put your dick away
(A minor) Just the family everybody,
just the family singing
Here we go!
Put your dick (D major)
Put your dick, (D minor) put your dick,
dick away. (A minor)
Now I want you to make a promise to me.
I want you to put your left
hand on your nuts
and your right hand in the air, okay?
(D major) You love women,
(A minor) don't you? Yeah.
You respect the pussy, don't you? Yes.
Then put your left hand on your nuts
and your right hand in the (D major) air
(A minor) and repeat after me.
Are (D major) you ready? (A minor) Okay.
You're (D major) beautiful. (A minor)
Here we go. put it, I put it, I put it,
I put it, I put my dick away.
I put it, I put it, I put it, I put it,
I (A minor) put my dick away.
Put your dick... (D major)
Everybody!
Put your dick...
Put (D minor) your (D major) dick (D minor) away. (A minor)
So I love you so (A minor) much,
everybody one last time!
your dick, (D major) put your dick,
(D minor) yeah, put your dick
away. (A minor) (A minor)
Thank you, Montreal!
Put Your Dick Away
Bridget Everett
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