Cousin Earl chords by The Dead Milkmen
Verse 1
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Now you want to talk
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about bladder problems,
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then the man you want to talk to
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would probably be my cousin Earl.
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I guess you all know Earl.
He lives out on Route 13,
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Cm
out on that maggot farm.
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Earl don't like it when
you get his maggot farm
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due for the worm farm.
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A worm farm is for worms,
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and a maggot farm is for maggots.
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And Earl's got the biggest
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maggots in the state.
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Three feet long.
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Of course now Earl believes this might be
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due to the fact at St. Smithens
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Medical Facility
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has been dumping their waste
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on his property.
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The interesting thing about
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three -foot maggots
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is that, well,
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one day the china disappeared,
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and then the next day
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the television disappeared,
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and then a few days after that,
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his 57 Chevy disappeared.
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But there they are,
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the world's biggest maggot
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s.
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Anyway, one day Earl and I are
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standing in the kitchen,
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giant maggots crawling
across the floor,
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And Earl turns to me and he says,
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Did you ever go to make a pork sausage
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An d find it's got hairs all over it?
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And he gives me a look
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That still chills me to this day
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Now Earl's got a son
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And they call him Earl Jr.
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Which I think is pretty clever
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Ever since he has Earl's son,
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he's not really a normal boy.
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Ever since that tractor ac cident.
Anyway, he ran up 5 ,000
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worth of 976 phone bills.
He called weird, unnatural numbers,
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like 976 pig with two Gs
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and 976 sheep,
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which has five letters in it.
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I know, he's a sick boy.
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Earl suggested it.
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Well, maybe I'll talk to him.
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So I went into his bedroom
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and I sat him down.
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But be fore I could say a word,
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Earl Jr. looked at me
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and he said, Jeff,
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we're gonna make a pork sausage
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and find it's got hairs all over it.
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And he gave me a look
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that chills me to this day.
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Now Earl's got a daughter,
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and they call her Effie Sue.
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And Effie Sue,
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she don't look so much like a little girl
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as she looks like a big
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pile of fungus.
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Earl blames this, on the fact that St.
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Spinning's medical fa cility
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has been dumping on his
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maggot farm.
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And I never had much con
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tact with Effie Sue.
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Excuse me, I don't even
think how much of her
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to get her name right.
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I never had much contact with her.
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She just normally just sits on the couch
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like a little ball of fungus
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and just boils away.
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But one day she looked at me,
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and that little ball of fungus
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opened its mouth,
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or what I guess was its mouth,
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I'd hate to think what
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else it could be,
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An d out of that orifice floated the words Jim,
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we're gonna make a pork sausage
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And Brian's got hair all over it
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And then that little pile
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of fungus
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gave me a look
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That chills me to this day
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Now Earl's got a wife
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And we call her wife
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We don't know her name
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because she's never really
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said that much.
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For the longest time,
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we thought she could
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only say two words,
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which were dog and pussy.
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We thought that
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meant dog and cat,
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but then we found out
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what she was really trying to
say was dog pussy,
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one big hyphenated word,
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which doesn't come up
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much in conversation,
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especially amongst Baptists.
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We never heard her say
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anything other than that.
You know, she works down
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at St. Smith's Medical Fa cility
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and pork sausage distillery.
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Got a good paying job there.
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Although she only does stay loose,
well, that one word.
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And we have heard her say
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another thing once,
but that was a long time ago.
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We were sitting around the house,
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and she looked at me
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and she said,
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you ever go to make a pork sausage
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and find it's got hairs growing all over it?
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And she gave me a look
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that chills me to this day.
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Now one day Earl took his whole family
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fishing down at Miller's Creek,
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he took his wife
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who could only say dog pussy,
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he took his son Earl Jr.
who took the day off
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from calling 976 Barnyard Numbers,
and he took that little,
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that little call fungus order,
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Epi -Sue, that belonged with him.
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They all got in a little boat
and they all started fishing.
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Now St. Smithens Medical Facility
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and Pork Sausage Distillery
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has been known to dump their
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stuff into Millers Creek.
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All sorts of heinous stuff.
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Big barrels floating in the creek
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with little things on them that say
St. Smithens Medical Facility
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and Pork Sausage Distillery.
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Anyway, Earl was fishing
and he caught a walleye bass,
which had 27 eyes on it.
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It was a 27 -eyed walleye bass.
Earl looked at it
and thought,
wouldn't this be good to eat?
So he took out his knife
and cut it open.
But that fish looked up at it
and it said, please mister,
please don't eat me.
And Earl said, but I'm hungry.
I'm hungry.
I work on a maggot farm.
My wife can only say dog pussy.
My daughter's a pile of fungus.
My son spent all of his college money
calling 976 numbers.
I have to eat you.
And that fish said,
please don't eat me,
mister, please.
And he said, I have to, I have to.
So Chris said, all right, then,
if you're going to cut me open,
let me ask you one question.
Did you ever go to eat a pork sausage
C
and find it's got hair growing all over it?
And then all 27 eyes stared back at Earl.
And they stared back at his wife,
who could only say dog pussy.
And they stared back at his weird
976 animal -calling son.
And they stared back
at that little pile of pus
that passes for Earl's daughter.
And they gave him a look.
All 27 I'll give them a look,
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a look that they will not forget
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until this very day!
Dsus4
You
Cousin Earl
The Dead Milkmen
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